One of my personality goals is “to be a help”. It’s how I view the world. I see needs, I fill them.
You are stressed? Have a sick one in your family? Out of work? Whatever it may be, let me take some of it from you. I’ll make you a meal. I’ll watch your kids. I’ll do a hospital visit. I’ll bring you groceries…Somehow I will fix it.
In my short 44 years on this spinning planet, I have learned that I can’t fix everything. I still try though. Sometimes to the point of people having to tell me to stop trying to help. I’ve learned that sometimes we just need to show up. Sometimes we need to sit in the grief.
Many times, when others are hurting we want to help. We want them to be happy again. We want to see their joy come back.
Joyful people haven’t always been joyful. Sometimes the most grateful people are the ones who have suffered the most. We can’t choose for our grieving friend when they will see joy again, or even what joy ought to look like. Joy, true joy, comes after dark shadows.
What we are seeing are their reactions to this fear, stress, and grief. We can’t hear their quiet prayers in the darkness of the night. Or their fear filled days. Their tight fists, shaking toward the heavens, filled with hopeless questions. We may hear their words and see their tears, but under those words are the thoughts of a hurting person who may not be ready for our encouragement.
We can’t rush grief. We can’t rush stress. We can’t rush fear. We have to sit in it. They have to name it. They have welcome it in, so that they can let it out and eventually let it go.
Our joy filled narrative may be inappropriate in this moment. Our encouraging words of “God is in control.” Or “God works all things together for our good.” Or “count it all joy…” may not be appropriate in this exact moment. During this moment, while they may know that God’s plans are better than our own, they may not “like” God’s plan.
Just like Peter in Matthew 14, right now their focus is on the problem and they can’t see Jesus’ face. They are looking at the strong winds and the high waves of this storm and they can’t focus on the bigger picture. Jesus will calm the storm and will help them walk through it, as long as their focus is on Him, but when the sea around you is violent, and you don’t understand the plan, it is hard to look up and see His face.
These are the moments we just sit. We just sit and cry with them and hold their hand and listen. Listen to the fear filled words and bring tissues to their hands. Sit in the grief with them. Don’t speak. Just sit. (And maybe a meal or two, but don’t be offended when they don’t eat it.)
The planet will keep spinning, and the days will turn to weeks, that turn into months, and they will get to look back and see how far they have come. That’s when we get to say, “That was hard, but God is good.”
The greatest gift we can give others is not our words but in showing up.
Cowles Farm 