Sometimes your life changes so slowly you don’t see the change until you wake up one day and you’re questioning how you got here.
When you have been hit with a quick tragedy or a slow daily loss, whichever way it happens you still feel like your guts have been ripped out and you either look for help or you hide in a corner and don’t look up… hoping no one will see you.
Sometimes it’s easier to just survive the day, push through the routine and pretend that you are ok. Ticking off the time, until days, weeks and months have passed. You just have to get through the day and then things will be better.
It’s easier to push the thoughts out of your head and tell yourself you don’t have time to think about it now, and you will deal with it later.
Later comes, and you lay awake telling yourself this is all normal. You are normal. You are allowed to feel sad. You are allowed to feel lonely in a room full of people. You are allowed to insert yourself into other people’s lives and try to “fix them” so you can feel…SOMETHING…All the while, you are trying to feel NOTHING.
You start questioning everything.
Why do I do this? Should I talk to someone? Is this normal? Will I ever be ME again?
My life was changing. CORRECTION…My life was changed. I changed. I went through something and my life was changed.
How did I get here?
How did I get to this point where I was telling others I was fine, and yet on the inside, I was screaming for someone to see me?
Where was God in all of this? Why did He feel so far away? Why did He seem to be gone? Why is He so silent?
What about the times you pray for answers, sometimes decades of the same prayer, and He stays silent? Where is He? Is He even listening? Does He not see me down here pouring out my heart, dying on the inside, waiting for Him to show up and do something!
ANYTHING!
WHERE ARE YOU?
Silently. Quietly. In the still calm. No voice. No light. Nothing… YET, I hear Him. I hear Him in my head saying…
I’m here.
I haven’t gone anywhere.
I’m here.
You are not alone in a crowded room. I’m here.
You are allowed to be sad. Let me hold you.
You are allowed to just survive the day. I’m walking it with you.
Sometimes, that voice is so hard to hear above my noise. Above the fears in my head. Above the things I chose to think about so I don’t have to feel…
…I have to choose again. I have to choose to listen. I have to choose to open my Bible and read. I have to choose to pray…
I have to choose to LIVE.
My life is normal.
Everyone is going through something.
Everyone has pain. You can either choose to “hide and survive” or you can choose to “live and believe”.
I choose to believe… the living will come when I heal.
Cowles Farm 
Well said, Kristen!
Thank you for your transparency and for sharing. This blog was very encouraging for me as I have suffered so much loss in the year of 2012-2022. In 2012, my oldest brother, the next year, my father, then in 2016, my mother, in 2018 my second to the oldest brother, and in 2022, my brother two years older than I, who was murdered, not to mention the loss of my two daughters dying in my arms, in 1986, and 1991. They would be 38 and 33 today. There were times that my God was silent! Although I felt alone, I wasn’t alone, my God was with me through it all and still carries me through when difficulty comes with the feeling of great loss. I truly believe there isn’t a time set for getting over a loss, but a gradual healing and times where God carries me as the pain lessens. As you mentioned, life is a CHOICE! Every day, I must choose to think as God would have me think. Taking Captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ- II Corinthians 10:5
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Thank you so much for sharing your story so openly and vulnerably. I can’t begin to imagine the weight of the losses you’ve carried, and yet your faith and perspective are deeply moving. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced and especially the loss of your daughters. My heart breaks for you. Your words are a beautiful testimony our God who never leaves us, even in the silence. You’re absolutely right, there’s no timeline for grief. It’s a journey walked hand-in-hand with a faithful God who understands sorrow more than we ever could. Thank you for reminding me (and so many others) that even in the darkest places, we are not alone. Praying that His comfort continues to surround you in every moment.
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